Welcome to Planet Revenue!

Jake's first day. His last startup—"blockchain for government"—lost $2M. He pitches a cloud migration idea. Legal: "Have you READ our FedRAMP requirements?" IT: "Our CRM is SharePoint 2010 with custom workflows no one understands." Carol emails Legal: "Another sales hire who thinks compliance is optional." After hours, Jake finds a Planet Revenue t-shirt on his desk with a note: "Conference Room B, 6 PM. We've been tracking this." He discovers a secret group documenting every blocked deal. Carol has killed $47M in enterprise opportunities this fiscal year. Jake: "So we're all just... slowly dying here?" Everyone nods. Cut to Carol stress-eating, refreshing her "Blocked Opportunities" dashboard. 847 entries.

Marcus tells Carol's origin story. Flashback: Five years ago, eager Young Carol approves her VP's public sector deal. GDPR violation. Congressional hearings. Her VP throws her under the bus, gets promoted to CVP. Carol gets a "Needs Improvement" on stack rank, loses her bonus. Present: She has a "Wall of Shame" with notes: "$12M defense contract - literally violates ITAR," "Healthcare deal - HIPAA nightmare." Therapist bills expensed as "Risk Management Consulting." The crew finds an old Ignite photo—Carol wearing a Planet Revenue shirt before she "broke." Carol: "I'd rather kill deals than testify to Congress with my name on the witness list." Long silence. Jake: "That's... actually fair." Someone asks: "Are we the bad guys?" "There are no good guys."

The crew goes rogue to close a massive Azure deal before fiscal year end. Marcus "borrows" his CVP's digital signature, panics about fraud. Sarah fake-approves the security review—discovers Partner org's channel incentives are padded 40%. "Wait, THEY get that much?" Derek impersonates their VP: "This is... Steve... I can't access the approval workflow..." IT: "Sir, your VP is named Jennifer." Jake's fake compliance emergency becomes REAL—they're actually violating data residency requirements. Everything goes wrong. Then the deal mysteriously closes. During the quarterly business review. Live revenue numbers on screen. Leadership celebrates. Legal stands up: "This customer data is stored in the wrong geography." CVP stares at camera: "Who approved this?" Cut to black. "Next Episode: Discovery."

Planet Revenue explodes to 40 members across three business units. They need an internal training video. Jake's imposter syndrome: "I got fired from my last TWO companies." Sarah hires LinkedIn influencer consultants who "understand the enterprise buyer journey." Derek pitches a storyline involving sleeping with Carol. Horror. They film in Building 87's parking lot with a green tablecloth. Marcus, drunk on free beer: "Where dreams come to get PowerPointed to death in endless QBRs." They accidentally use licensed stock music. Vendor sends cease-and-desist. The final cut is incoherent chaos. By morning: 3,000 internal views, 400 Yammer join requests. Someone leaks it externally as "What your enterprise vendor doesn't want you to see." It worked.

Carol launches planetprudence.com: "Remember when Planet Revenue promised a Federal agency features we don't have? $2M in penalties." The org splits into warring factions. Separate Slack channels. Passive-aggressive email CCs. Planet Revenue books a $50K off-site at a resort, excluding Planet Prudence. The CVP calls an all-org. It becomes a screaming match. Carol reveals Jake's startup "violated SEC regulations." Jake fires back: Carol killed a deal their biggest competitor closed for $10M. Long silence. The compromise: "Responsible Revenue Growth." Final scene: Both sides wearing new shirts with parts crossed out in Sharpie. A new college hire walks in, gets handed a shirt, looks at camera with dead eyes while someone explains OKRs. "Season 2: Coming Soon."